


Fourth

by LittleSweetCheeks



Category: Madam Secretary
Genre: F/M, Infant Loss, Prompt Fill, trigger - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-16
Updated: 2020-10-17
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:54:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,966
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27045334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LittleSweetCheeks/pseuds/LittleSweetCheeks
Summary: Elizabeth is ready to remember their baby, but it still pains Henry to think about.
Relationships: Elizabeth McCord/Henry McCord
Comments: 3
Kudos: 8





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Tumblr prompt fill.

“Hey, Babe?” Henry walked into their bedroom.

“Yeah.” Elizabeth startled, standing and whirling around as she dropped something to the bed.

He paused. “What’s that?”

Looking guilty, she shook her head. “It’s nothing.” It hurt too much to talk about. “What’d you need?”

His eyes stayed on the dropped thing as he spoke. “I was just going to ask if there’s anything else that needs added to the grocery list.” He finally brought his gaze to hers.

“No. I don’t think so.”

“Okay.” Cautiously, he moved closer. “Babe?” He could see now that the dropped thing was a photograph lying face down on the duvet.

Elizabeth frowned and picked the photo back up, holding it to her chest. “It’s Heather.” She chewed her lip. “I just wish…” Her shoulders curled up near her ears. “I want to frame it so I can see her all the time.”

Henry swallowed away the sudden lump in his throat. “I’m sorry, Babe. I- I just… it’s too painful.”

“Still?” She sucked in a breath. “I’m sorry. I just… I just want to remember. I know you want to forget. I just…”

He pulled her close, thankful that she kept the photo against her chest she he didn’t accidentally see it. It brought up horrible memories of that day. Of holding a crying just-turned-two Stevie in his arms as the doctor told him he had only seconds to decide _‘your wife or your daughter, we need a decision now’_. It had fallen on his shoulders alone, Elizabeth had been unconscious already and at the time all he’d been able to think about was the family they already had and that the little girl in his arms still needed a mother. “I won’t ever forget, Babe. But… I’m sorry.”

Elizabeth nodded glumly. “Okay. I understand.” She still remembered waking up. The look in Henry’s eyes before he told her Heather didn’t make it. The utter heartbreak they’d both experienced as they planned a funeral for a tiny casket while she was still recovering from her own physical trauma. Drawing a breath, she blinked back tears. “Want me to go to the store with you?”

Henry smiled weakly. “Sure.”

=MS=

The staff were finding their seats in Elizabeth’s office, waiting for her return from a meeting at the White House. Jay and Matt were setting out containers of lunch orders while Nadine and Blake were sorting binders.

Matt crossed the room to place his boss’s food on her desk when something caught his eye. “Hey, is that one new?” He pointed to a photo tucked behind the others. “I’ve never seen a baby picture of the kids in here.”

It was a known fact that Elizabeth liked to constantly update the photos of her family in her office, so they were continuously changing, but it also meant they were always recent images. The others looked to see what Matt was pointing to, it was also the only black and white photo of the bunch. “Wonder who did something to deserve their baby picture in here.” He laughed.

“I- I don’t think that’s one of the McCord kids.” They turned to see Nadine frown. “Not that we know anyway.”

“What do you mean?” Daisy asked.

Nadine found herself unsure how to phrase her suspicions. She’d seen similar photos before. Photos that seemed to almost always be of a baby swaddled deep into blankets, often printed in the same black and white, and with a dusky tint to their skin. “It’s… not my place to share suspicions. I suggest you don’t mention anything unless she brings it up herself.” She hoped her warning would be enough to get them to leave it alone.

“Not mention what to who?” At Elizabeth’s voice, the five of them turned and stared from where they were lined up behind her desk.

“I- It’s nothing, Ma’am.” Daisy exchanged a look with Matt and Jay before the three of them moved back to the sofa, attempting to make it look casual.

Determined to shift the subject, Nadine rounded the desk as well. “Jay and Matt brought in lunch and the paperwork is ready when you are, Ma’am. How was the meeting with POTUS?”

Elizabeth moved to the spot Nadine had just left, dropping her bags on the floor and coat into the chair knowing Blake would move it. “Nothing new really. He mostly wanted an update on what we’re working on now.” She sighed. “I reminded him that he keeps asking for us to deal with it as fast as possible and yet he keeps pulling me away for pointless updates.” When Nadine raised a brow at her, she smirked. “I guess it’s a good thing he knows me so well.”

She turned to check that Blake had collected her coat, surprised that he was still standing behind it. She tipped her head and gave him a silent questioning look, watching as his own gaze drifted down to the collection of photos and then back up with a question of their own. Twisting to look, the statement she’d overheard Nadine make as she’d come in made sense. Elizabeth gave his arm a gentle pat before thanking him, effectively dismissing him as she took her seat and waited for them to all get sorted out.

The photo had been in her office barely a week and it seemed her staff had already noticed its addition and, if the overheard statement was in indication, Nadine had warned them not to bring it up. Elizabeth knew, though, that that would only last so long. She knew how heartbroken Henry got every time he thought of Heather, her heart broke too, but her little girl would be turning eighteen soon and she was ready to remember her with more than just sadness.

As she flipped open the first binder, she let her eyes catch with Nadine’s a moment, giving the woman a slight nod and seeing the moment of sadness as she seemed to understand. “Okay, Jay. Where are we with the wording?” She began the meeting.

By the time they worked their way through all three bonders an hour and a half later, her office was a mix of abandoned, empty food containers, coffee mugs, and paper and pens. Matt and Daisy were on the sofa coordinating her talking points with the media releases and her speech, Nadine and Jay had moved their chairs to face her desk, their coffee mugs balanced on the front edge, and Blake had taken up the corner desk with his things. “Okay, I think that’s it.” She began to dismiss them. When she looked up, she made a decision. “Wait. Please…sit a minute.” Turning, she gathered the framed photo and swiveled her chair back to them. “I overheard you earlier, Nadine.”

“I’m sor-”

“No, that’s not what I meant. It’s okay.” She drew a breath. “You were right, though. It’s not any of the kids you know.” She pulled her eyes up to look at her Chief of Staff and saw compassion and support there. “Henry and I planned to have our kids two years apart or thereabouts.” She chewed her lip. “After Stevie, I had Heather. There were…complications.” She trailed off, wondering now how much she would have to share.

“She’s beautiful.” Daisy’s soft voice made her head snap up in surprise.

“How come you never put her photo out before?” Matt asked even softer before seeming to realize he’d spoken out loud. “I- I’m sorry. That wasn’t-”

“It’s okay, Matt.” She offered him a smile. “At first it was too painful, then for a long time Henry and I shared office space, or my space just wasn’t somewhere I felt comfortable displaying it.” She watched him nod. She placed the frame on the desk where she could see it and stared at her little girl. The girl who would never grow up. She didn’t even notice as her staff began to slip out until only Nadine remained.

Nadine waited until Elizabeth looked up before speaking. “Her birthday must be soon then?”

The question surprised her. “Two weeks, yes.”

She nodded. “And she’d have been… eighteen?”

“That’s right.”

Dropping her gaze to the desk, she continued. “A friend of mine has three such photos. It’s…” She drew and let out a shaky breath. “It was many years before she let anyone else see them as well.” Her voice lowered further. “Having even a photo is a blessing, even if it’s painful to look at.”

Something in the pained way she’d said it made Elizabeth’s breath catch. Her mind supplied reasons why a mother wouldn’t even have a photo, none of them were good. “She was a blessing. Even if she was only in my arms a moment.”

“But in your heart forever.” It looked like Nadine’s mind wandered to some memory a moment before she shook herself back to the present, excusing herself and vanishing back to her office.

Reaching across the desk, she lifted the phone and dialed the familiar number. “Henry…” She greeted quietly when he answered. “It’s painful for me too.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, a few people asked for me to carry this on and include the Nadine part of the story. This (to me anyway) could be more on the triggers than the first one, but I have attempted to tread lightly.

It niggled at the back of Elizabeth’s mind for days, the distant sad look that had been on Nadine’s face standing in the middle of her office. Each time the memory of that small moment resurfaced; she couldn’t help the way her breath caught at the tendril of sadness from what she suspected her words had meant.

She chewed her lip, looking absently over the photos on the credenza. There were tiny slivers of moments of Nadine that she’d learned over recent years, though the other woman really did keep her private life very secret. Had that been another one of those tiny moments? The kind she’d learned Nadine tended to sprinkle into conversations- giving a bit without giving really anything at all.

Reaching across her desk, she pressed the button to Blake’s desk. “Could you come here a minute?”

It only took him seconds to appear in her doorway. “Ma’am?”

“Has everyone gone home for the evening?” That was the real first question.

He blinked. “The outer office is cleared out. Except for myself of course. I believe all your staff is still here, however. Do you need them?”

“No.” She paused, debating. “Could you do me a few favors?” He nodded. “Could you ask Nadine to come in here when she’s done with whatever she’s working on, no rush, and then send the others home for the night?”

“Of course.” He began to turn away.

“And Blake?” She caught him before he rushed off. “When Nadine comes? No interruptions please.”

That made him hesitate, but he still nodded. “Understood.”

Alone again, she wondered how she would even begin to start such a conversation. She understood the pain and it sounded like Nadine did as well, she just wanted to extend some compassion. Pushing paperwork away, she turned her chair so she was staring out the window at the waning daylight.

“Ma’am? You wanted to see me?” Eventually Nadine’s voice cut through the room.

Elizabeth stood and moved to the cabinet that held the good liquor. “Shut the door?”

“Of course.”

She moved to the couch with a bottle and two glasses and waited for Nadine to sit as well. “How are you doing?”

“I- I’m fine, Ma’am.” Her brows knit together in confusion.

Drinking were poured before she carried on. “It’s just… Last week it sounded like maybe you were speaking from experience.”

The room was silent half a minute. “Oh.”

“I know you like to keep our private life private, but I just wanted to say that if you ever wanted to talk or… not talk… I’m here.”

Nadine drew in a shuddered breath and let it out. “I appreciate that, Ma’am.” She sipped her drink. “I had Roman when I was twenty-two. It was…hell, honestly. Half of why I didn’t go back to dancing was the toll it took on my body. My… my hips were too narrow, and it took too long for the attending doctor to realize I wouldn’t be able to push him out.” She gave a small sigh. “When Roman was nearly two, I married another man… I never even tried to marry Roman’s father. This other man he… he wanted children of his own, of course. He liked Roman well enough but wanted an heir for himself. We tried for ten years to have a child.”

“I’m so sorry, Nadine.” Her heart clenched harder than it had done before.

“We started trying even before we got married and maybe that should’ve been a clue as to what was to come… I lived in this constant cycle of getting pregnant only to…” Her voice broke a second, but she pushed on. “Only to miscarry within weeks. I stopped even wanting to find out if I was or not. I spent all those years so numb and he got more and more angry… Finally, the doctor suggested to us that because of my years training as a dancer and the trauma from having Roman made it highly unlikely I would successfully carry another child and by then… But then I was in my thirties anyway. I had law school to finish and Roman to support because he had no interest in supporting another man’s child.”

Elizabeth reached across the distance and placed her hand on Nadine’s. “I’m so sorry.”

She sniffled and blinked back tears, lifting the glass again for another drink. “I was too young, too set on getting my life back, to enjoy being pregnant and raising Roman. I was angry that the father didn’t have to give up his dancing while I had to give up mine. I mean, I danced until it was noticeable but then I had to take almost a year off. The last half of the pregnancy I spent focused on staying in shape and then I pushed my body too hard, too soon after the birth. I let it all ruin what probably should have been a wonderful experience. Then I spent from the time he could walk till he was almost a teen trying to get another chance and… and I missed a lot of his life then too.” She finally brought her eyes up to meet Elizabeth’s. “It felt like so many.”

She saw tears, even after all these years, forming in the corners of her eyes. Giving in to the desire to comfort her, Elizabeth scooted closer, reaching out to pull her into a hug, holding her there for a minute. When they finally pulled apart, she kept one hand on her wrist. “Thank you for sharing it with me.”

Nadine nodded, swiping under her eyes with one thumb.

“I can’t imagine how hard that has been for you, going through it all of these years.” Elizabeth understood keenly that it wasn’t the kind of thing that you ever truly got over. It still hurt, seeing children who would grow up when Heather never got to, even with the three she got to raise. She knew it still would never touch the kind of ache the other woman surely carried.

Finishing her drink, Nadine leaned forward and left the glass on the table before drawing a steadying breath. “I’d like to think it’s gotten easier over the years.” She twisted her hands together. “People acknowledge and honor a parent who had a child who then died, but… There still seems to be something that gets forgotten about a parent who never could make it that far. In my heart, they were still each my children and I loved them.”

“Of course you do.” She changed the tense. “Because you are a good mom.”

Her comment made Nadine’s head snap back up in surprise.

“I see you worry about Roman. I see you with Matt and Daisy and Blake. Other young staffers that come through.” She chuckled. “Heck, I have been on the receiving end of your mothering myself.” She added a small smile. “Every one of those children would have been the luckiest kid in the world.”

“I-” Her eyes dropped away, searching. “I appreciate that, Ma’am.”

Elizabeth gave her wrist another gentle squeeze before pulling away, standing, and crossing to lean against her desk. “I won’t try and say that what I went through is the same, but I can listen and try to understand if you ever need an ear.” She watched Nadine give her a watery smile at that. “And these kids around here-” She gestured beyond the walls of her office. “They’re always going to need a mom around to keep them in line. I don’t think any of them mind that it’s you.”

That made Nadine chuckle despite her previous mood. “I can keep them in line.” She stood as well and started to move toward the door. “And I’ll keep that in mind. If I ever need to talk.”

Twisting to the side, Elizabeth pressed the button quickly on her phone, just enough to make the other end beep. “They give pretty good hugs too.” She watched Nadine give her a curious look. “No questions asked. Especially that one.” A second later, her office door opened and Blake cautiously stepped in.

“Ma’am?”

“Can you call my motorcade? I’m ready to head home.”

“Of course, Ma’am.” He nodded, eyes glancing over both of them as he moved to turn away, holding a moment at the way Nadine’s were rimmed red. They returned to Elizabeth. “Everything okay, Ma’am?”

With her chin, she gestured for him to shift his attention to Nadine and then turned to round her desk and gather her things, giving them a moment. When she looked up again, it seemed both had taken her hints as Nadine was accepting a comforting hug from Blake.


End file.
